Lightening the load

I'm the type of girl who likes to stuff my purse or travel bag to the brim planning ahead with my packing hoping that foresight would prepare me for any possibility. This morning, however, I faced an unusual dilemma: I could only pack as much as I could carry and having just had an emergency c-section a few weeks ago, that meant very little. 

Oddly enough that's a pretty accurate depiction of what I've learnt over the last four weeks.  I was forced to unpack my bag and reevaluate, packing only the most important essentials. 

Our journey to parenthood started with joyful smiles and staring at a pile of seven (yes, seven) positive pregnancy tests with my husband. Being a planner, I had already booked childbirth classes and gathered nursery furniture a few months in, but nothing could have prepared me for being initiated into motherhood by going into pre-term labor at 23.4 weeks. 

For months I had begun packing my hopes, dreams and expectations for the pregnancy, the delivery, our child and our family. On October 1, I felt like someone robbed every last one of them. 

I was left to start over and reflect on what really mattered. Emergencies have a way of inspiring people to reexamine their priorities and to cut out the trivial. I have spent so much of my life worrying and preparing for worst case scenarios, but no amount of anxiety or foresight prepares you for the real thing.

I'm learning that having an empty "bag"means I can recalibrate my expectations by looking for God's will and seeing how he is moving in a situation.  I'm also learning to stop carrying the weight of so many burdens, worries, and expectations I was never meant to carry.

No one enjoys hardship, but I'm learning in some ways it is an opportunity reach out to others from a place of vulnerability and empathy and also is a chance to deepen relationships with people by allowing them to care for and help us.

While I could be bitter, angry, self pitying or envious of others in the midst of what we're going through,  I've realized joy, peace, grace, gratefulness and faith are much lighter to carry. I will never understand why this happened and I refuse to waste energy guessing. Instead I'm going to focus on what I do have and what I can be grateful for.

Some would look at my son so tiny and frail right now and pity my situation. Yes, it's not ideal, but God has reminded me it's only temporary and I know we will be bringing him home a healthy, happy boy in a few months. When I see him, I see one of God's great miracles and I'm so very thankful.